Archive for the ‘frustration’ Category

LA JOLLA, CA - FEBRUARY 28:  Embryologist Ric ...
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So, I decided to call the embryo adoption facilitator today to just check in and see what was going on witht he status of the adoptive couple and the frosties.  If you remember, I had to run and get a ton of blood work done to suit the specifics that their lab required.  I had to do this with the twins in tow.  The couple did reimburse me for the blood work and they were essentially all set to take possession of the frosties in April or May.  So, here it is in June and I have heard nothing.

Well, as it turn out…they tried “something different”.  And they are pregnant.  Good for them.  But, the original agreement was that they were going to pay for the storage costs of the frosties.  Now, they want to keep us “on the back burner” in case this pregnancy fails.  We have been paying $125 per quarter since 4/07.  This does add up and we were going to just pay off the credit card that the storage is being billed to.  But, it is really going to be up to these folks if they decided to honor their original agreement.

It also leaves us with frosties again and the search for another family.

I want to be happy for them.  I really do.  But at the same time, I am miffed.  They were all about our frosties.  And then poof!  I am not sure what I am supposed to be feeling.  Our second choice family is pregnant too.

At least the facilitator is on our side.  She has sentthe email requesting that they abide by their original agreement.


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The kids slept through the night.  Without a middle of the night bottle.  I am so proud of them.  And I think I know what did it.  They have full run of Grandma and Grandpa‘s house.  They are expending tons of energy.  And yesterday, They only each got a cat nap.

They are in baby jail right now, and they are “lounging”. I think they are still tired. (tee hee hee).

I spent the day at my parent’s house yesterday.  The kitchen remodeler was here.  I sure wish they would have told me that they were taking out my kitchen sinkon the first day.    have planned things a little differently.  So, I will be using plastic or paper cups since I really don’t want to wash dishes in the bathtub.  I will take the kids’ bottles to my parent’s house and run them through the dishwasher.  I also do not have any counter tops, or drawers, or doors on my cabinets.  The kitchen just looks weird…..

The hubby has decided to stay out in North Dakota until Friday.  My father in law is still hanging in there.  They had him on some kind of “CPAP” thing and had him intubated.  They took him off of that yesterday and the old man sat up out of bed.  He is just on oxygenthrough a nasal cannula right now.  He keeps stretching his arms out for hugs.  He pointed right at the hubby so at least there is some degree of recognition and appropriate response.  The doctors still don’t know what is going on.  They want to watch him for another day or two, and then they will see how he is doing.

The best part of all of this, if there is a positive, is that the hubby is seeing family that he hasn’t seen in 20 years.  He reconnecting with a family that he pretty much walked away from.  He is the only one that made it out.  Everyone else stayed.  And there is nothing wrong with that, I guess.   I just can’t imagine having the whole world out there, and staying in Fargo my entire life.  I have been blessed that I was able to travel when I was young, and then as part of a job, and on my own as a hobby.  I have been to the UK, Mexico, and Canada.  I have been to 49 of the 50 states.  I have been there and done that and I have no regrets.

But I miss my hubby.  I didn’t sleep well at all the last two nights.  I might even miss his snoring.  It is just not the same when he isn’t around.  He did call me about a dozen times yesterday….I can’t wait to pick him up at the airport and give him the biggest hug.  I feel very helpless right now when it comes to finding ways to support him.

I am hanging in there.  All the prayers and well wishes are greatly appreciated.

Oh…. and here are some pictures of the kitchen so far…..


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1) I paid Mom and Dad’s contractor.  Done.

2) I went to the gym.  Had a great workout.

3) Drove to the new house to take hubby something to eat.

4) Saw house and realized that hubby would be there all day.

5) Spoke to Mom and Dad as they were getting on the road, driving east, across the state of Pennsylvania.

6) Took a bath when the kids were “napping”*

7) *Kids did not nap, but Daniel did remove his diaper and peed all over his crib.

8) Took laundry to basement to discover that an entire bottle of tide had tipped over into a basket of clean, dry, folded clothing.  Decided that washing stinky sheets and blankets way more important than trying to rescue my clothes.  Daniel needs something to keep warm tonight, and I can always use an excuse to buy new clothes….(or new to me…since I am the queen of thrift, second hand, and consignment).

9) Got “deposed” by the  insurance company of the (long,stringy blond haired, sweat pant wearing, trailer trash…and yes, she lives in a trailer)woman who backed her car into mine at the wal.mart yesterday.  Her version of what happened is ever so different than mine.  I told her insurance company’s adjusted that she was telling a bold-faced lie.  So next week, a field adjuster will come out sometime next week to look at the damage she did to my car.  That should be fun considering that we have an allergy appointment for Daniel and I have a mammogram appointment.  You know they will show up at the worst time.

10) My parents are finally going to be close to me.  Close to my babies.  I am very happy.

The trip to the gym was great!  The kids did great…except for Melissa bonking Daniel in the head with a toy.  But that is kind of par for the course.

Yoga last night was great too.  I felt great when I got home.  The hubby had fed and bathed and bedded the kids.  Wow!  What a great surprise!

This morning, I got up and went to a Mommy Market and the hubby got the kids up and fed and changed them and was playing with them when I got home.

Since the weather is so nice, we are planning on taking the kids on a walk over to the park a little later and then out to eat at, where kids under 2 eat free…..(tee hee hee…if it’s free….it’s for me!)

Everyone is napping right now, the hubby is enjoying his rare Saturday off but sawing logs on the couch.  I think I may try to catch a few winks myself.

I am, for the first time in a while, feeling rather contented.  Maybe it’s the yoga, maybe it’s the endorphins, maybe it is the fact that it is in the 60’s here…..who knows….and I am not going to look a gift horse in the mouth.  By the way, who came up with that little gem?  What is “a gift horse” and why exactly shouldn’t I look in it’s mouth?  Someone tell me please!!!

a week has passed since I actually posted on here.  It has just been a really rough week or so.  It is the same fight over and over and over and I am so tired of the fighting.  He still can’t “trust me”.  Everything I do makes him suspicious.

Last Monday, all the of the appliances were delivered to mom and dad’s house as well as carpeting.  I took the kids out to the house and mom, dad, and my aunt agreed to watch the kids so I could go to the gym.  It gave me a few minutes to myself and gave them some time with the grandkids/great niece and nephew.  They didn’t mind at all.  The problem was that the hubby thought I just dumped the kids off.  I tried to explain, but he just couldn’t get it.  This may be an ongoing problem especially when I go back to school……my parents will be right down the road in a month….I will utilize their free babysitting services…….they love their grandtwins… with it…….

So after my workout, I came back and we decided that we would go out to dinner.  So, when the hubby was done with work, her came out and we all loaded up and went to dinner.  The kids were “so-so” as far as their behavior went.  The hubby kept on feeding them and giving them bottle after bottle.  The kids were ready to burst!!!!  I was getting really annoyed.  They are kids, they are going to make noise.  It is not necessary to keep their mouths full at all times.

So, after supper, we headed back to mom and dad’s house.   The hubby stayed on a few minutes to help dad carry some trash to the curb.  I headed home.  I decided that because of traffic, I would take an alternate route.  It was a few more miles but nothing that should take too long.  Well, I couldn’t have been more wrong!!!!  I got home, carried one kid in, then carried the other back in, then got them undressed and changed and bottled…..the hubby got home and did what he usually does….cracks a beer….the first of a few….

The argument starts….over the fact that I went home a different way than I usually do……yup…….

The screaming started, I screamed right back, the neighbors got concerned……and called the police.

yeah, so at 9:30 pm, the cops were at my house.  And it was weird because at that point, we had gotten quiet.

The kids slept through the whole thing.  No one was hauled away.

So, I have gone out of my way all week to walk on eggshells and keep things quiet.

We need counseling.  We need to learn to communicate.  He needs to learn to trust me again.  A marriage without trust and communication CANNOT survive.

So, I am sorry that I have been quiet this week.  I am okay.  I just don’t know what to do anymore.

So it wasn’t so bad that the hubby woke up at 3:30am and decided to go into work.  It wasn’t so bad that I couldn’t get back to sleep.  It wasn’t so bad that I came downstairs and curled up on the couch under my very cozy Eagles blanket…

But when the hubby’s alarm clock went off at 4:30 am, and I raced up the stairs to shut it off before it woke the monsters, and my right foot went squarely into the leg of the folding laundry basket in the hall and I got tunnel vision from the pain, well, that was enough.  Folks, I am pretty darn sure that I have a broken toe. 

And this sucker #$%^&% hurts!!!

It is my right ring finger toe…I don’t know what the heck it’s called….the one next to my pinky toe.  And it is the top “knuckle” / joint, right under the nail. Owwwwwiiiieeeee!

So, now I have it taped to the surrounding toes.  There is just nothing that you can do for a broken toe except suck it up.  Poor me.  No treadmill for me for a while.

The good news is that the kids slept through the night… YIPPPPEEEEE!!!

In other news:

I called the allergist to  schedule an appointment for Daniel.  I am really not gett

ing a good feeling about the possibility of having him scratch tested.  I consulted Dr. Google and most people say that under 2 years of ago is a no-no.  That is just the beginning…..they inject allergens under the skin, then make you wait 20 minutes to check reactions.  Yeah, like Daniel will really love that….with his eczema…and he is supposed to have his system clear of all antihistamines for 10 days.  Yeah right……He is on benadryl every 6 hours and children’s zyrtec once a day.  There is just no way to keep him comfortable without antihistamines.  I mean, I will go and talk to the allergist, but there is no way I am going to let them do skin testing on my son.  I had skin testing done when I was in 8th grade.  I came up allergic to everything they tested for (grass, pollen, mold, dust, dogs, cats, milk, orange juice, tobacco, etc).  And I might occasionally have a couple of days per year that I have a runny nose in the spring and fall.  I drink milk.  I drink orange juice (albeit with vodka).  I have dogs.  I’ve had cats.  I worked in a vet hospital!!!! I cut the grass.  My house isn’t dust free by any stretch of the imagination and I have a damp basement.  I am happy to report that I am still here, alive….that allergist was an idiot!!!


it’s 4 days until Phillies Spring Training! WAHOOOO!!!! 


And just because it is kind of a gray day here…I thought I would attach a couple of cute shots of the kids….

 hangin' out.....

So, the babies will be 9 months old on Wednesday. I am so proud of my babies- how they have grown and developed, despite their prematurity- and I would do anything for them.

And this probably shouldn’t bother me as much as it does-

But, this weekend, I was told by a friend, whom I will refer to as “M” that when the kids were in the NICU and I am guessing the Step Down Nursery, I was an “anal retentive pain in the a**”. This came from a NICU nurse, whom I will call “A” who did not directly care for the kids, but who I knew prior to even getting pregnant. I only saw “A” once then entire time the kids were hospitalized. “A” was so nice to my face and had always been that way. Maybe that is why I was truly shocked when I heard “A’s” comment. It takes quite a bit to shock me, but this comment did.

Maybe it is because I heard it from “M” who mentioned it as kind of an off the cuff comment. It really got to me and “M” knows how to get under my skin and push my buttons.

Yes, it is true that I have certain expectations for care for my children. It is also true that I have a medical background and may have a greater understanding of what the real situations are from a medical standpoint. Yes, I can be a pain in the a**. Hubby knows this first hand from dining out with me. I can be a manager’s worst nightmare. Perhaps that is why I have always had great success in working in the Customer Service industry. But when it comes the kids…that is not being a pain in the a**…that is being a MOTHER.

Yes, I did speak with the Clinical Coordinator regarding the unannounced changes in feeding times (we had a solid hour commute to get to the hospital and arrived to find the kids had been fed and diapered and we couldn’t hold them). I asked that I be notified of any change in their schedule, so that I could adjust my schedule accordingly. This was IGNORED…

I also spoke to her regarding the Breastfeeding Nazi, who made it very clear that if you fed your children anything other than breastmilk, you were poisoning them. She was older and very set in her ways and really was very condescending. Hubby couldn’t stand her. I mean, he has 3 daughters from his first marriage. He has done this before. WE are not 16 year old kids with zero experience.

I also requested that no “student” nurses be involved in the care of the babies. I arrived one day to find a student nurse trying to figure out how to put a diaper on for 20 minutes. Practice on a doll, kiddo….not my babies.

The Clinical Coordinator was very understanding and our experience improved greatly. Well, I guess the nurses, being catty bit*hes that they are, were just placating us. So be it.

If the worst thing that anyone can say about me is that I am anal retentive when it comes to the quality of medical care that my children receive, oh friggin’ well.

Am I a bit*h? Yeah, probably. Is “A” out of line for even telling “M” anything about our NICU stay? Yeah, I think so. Should “M” keep quiet next time? I hope so.

This has been rattling around my head for 2 days now and frankly, I want to put it to bed, so I had to get it out there.