making a decision

Image by Getty Images via Daylife

to exclude “negative” influences in my life (both in real life and online…i.e.facebook)

If I want to be stabbed in the back, I will mount a knife to a door and back into it myself.  I certainly don’t need so-called “friends” lining up to do it.

So I have “blocked” negative influences and I feel better about it.  Several of them know about my blog and if they decide that it is still any of their business to read this, that is on them.  If they are that desperate for rumor fodder….I will just pray for them.  I live in a small town and there is no real practical way to escape from all the small town “bitty hens”.

Sorry, I did not intend for this post to come across as being so negative…..

I must be in one of my moods……

Hump Day

The kids slept through the night.  Without a middle of the night bottle.  I am so proud of them.  And I think I know what did it.  They have full run of Grandma and Grandpa‘s house.  They are expending tons of energy.  And yesterday, They only each got a cat nap.

They are in baby jail right now, and they are “lounging”. I think they are still tired. (tee hee hee).

I spent the day at my parent’s house yesterday.  The kitchen remodeler was here.  I sure wish they would have told me that they were taking out my kitchen sinkon the first day.    have planned things a little differently.  So, I will be using plastic or paper cups since I really don’t want to wash dishes in the bathtub.  I will take the kids’ bottles to my parent’s house and run them through the dishwasher.  I also do not have any counter tops, or drawers, or doors on my cabinets.  The kitchen just looks weird…..

The hubby has decided to stay out in North Dakota until Friday.  My father in law is still hanging in there.  They had him on some kind of “CPAP” thing and had him intubated.  They took him off of that yesterday and the old man sat up out of bed.  He is just on oxygenthrough a nasal cannula right now.  He keeps stretching his arms out for hugs.  He pointed right at the hubby so at least there is some degree of recognition and appropriate response.  The doctors still don’t know what is going on.  They want to watch him for another day or two, and then they will see how he is doing.

The best part of all of this, if there is a positive, is that the hubby is seeing family that he hasn’t seen in 20 years.  He reconnecting with a family that he pretty much walked away from.  He is the only one that made it out.  Everyone else stayed.  And there is nothing wrong with that, I guess.   I just can’t imagine having the whole world out there, and staying in Fargo my entire life.  I have been blessed that I was able to travel when I was young, and then as part of a job, and on my own as a hobby.  I have been to the UK, Mexico, and Canada.  I have been to 49 of the 50 states.  I have been there and done that and I have no regrets.

But I miss my hubby.  I didn’t sleep well at all the last two nights.  I might even miss his snoring.  It is just not the same when he isn’t around.  He did call me about a dozen times yesterday….I can’t wait to pick him up at the airport and give him the biggest hug.  I feel very helpless right now when it comes to finding ways to support him.

I am hanging in there.  All the prayers and well wishes are greatly appreciated.

Oh…. and here are some pictures of the kitchen so far…..

Maybe a little TMI….

The kids are fine.  Well, as fine as you can be when you wake up caked in snot….. poor little Melissa.  And let me just tell you how much they love having their noses wiped or sucked out.  They have both mastered the art of the “gator roll” and will try to roll away from any tissue or aspirator.  They are both so stinkin’ strong.  I suppose that is great considering they were so little and premature.  But what the heck am I going to do when they have a tantrum when they are two or three years old.  They are a real handful now….I think I am going to be in trouble.

Note:

I must be the world’s worst mother….my babies ate stove top stuffing for supper last night.  They love it.  They fed themselves.  Not really the healthiest meal in the world……..

And for other news:

Both my hubby and my mother have been asking me what they can get me for Christmas.  I had a couple ideas…..

1) a new pair of cowboy boots (square toe).  I had a real nice pair a few years ago, but Sasha decided that they were tasty and ate one of them when she was a puppy.

2) A phillies Hoody sweatshirt or jersey or tickets for a game next season.

3) A gym membership to a place close to the house that has childcare for $10 per kid per month.  I want something for me.  Something that will constructively get me out of the house to do something other than grocery shopping.

Believe it or not, the 3rd one caused yet another fight with the hubby.  You would think that he would want me to be in shape.  You would think that he would want me to be able to work off some of my stress doing something other than sucking down alcoholic beverages.  No, he thinks I want to do it so I can “flirt” and be a “social butterfly” and sleep with the first guy that tells me that I am pretty.  I give up.I told him that I didn’t want a husband who was a warden.  He says he can’t trust me but yet has given me no opportunity to prove my trustworthiness.  He tells me that I am allowed to go out with my friends anytime I want.  The problem with that is all of my friends are at the firehouse and I am not ALLOWED to go near the firehouse.  So, yeah, it is kind of hard to get together with friends.  It is a double edged sword and frankly, I am so done with fighting over the same crap over and over and over (and I am sure you are tired of hearing about it).  There was more (very mature) name calling and yelling and at one point I told him to get a divorce attorney because if this is how the rest of my life is going to be, I don’t want it.  I went to bed.  He came up and was all teary eyed and (3 drinks in) because I didn’t just agree with what he was saying, I was a cold-hearted b*tch.  So, I went to sleep.  He was up a bunch of times in the night and I really didn’t care.  If he falls asleep at work, that is his problem.  The kids were only up once in the night.  They started talking to each other at 4 am but we just let them go.

So, another joy of pure joy here at my house.  More laundry, more dishes, more of the same, every day, the monotony………..

Blessed?

It is an absolutely beautiful day here today.
I should be happy to be up and out and have the ability to take the twins on a walk.
But I am not.
I am not happy.
Well, not exactly.
I am not as happy as I think I should be.
Everyone, including strangers, tell me how blessed I am when I am out with the twins.
But, they don’t know.
They don’t have to get up three, four and sometimes five times a night.
They don’t understand the frustration of two inconsolable cries.
They don’t understand that I feel like I have lost my identity and that at times I feel more like an employee than a mother.
They don’t know what it feels like to not have the energy to even feel human.
Sometimes, I just feel so trapped.

it is such a huge undertaking just to get the kids loaded up and into the car, and then fight with the 47 lb double stroller that barely fits in the trunk, try to accomplish the simplest task without being stopped by six or eight strangers who ask if they kids are twins…. um, yes folks, they are twins, no folks, they are not identical- one is in pink and the other is in blue…. do I need to remove their diapers to show you they are not identical…

I hate to admit is, but sometimes I miss my “old life” and wonder if I have what it takes to be a good stay at home mom. I don’t even know if what I am feeling is normal. I don’t really have anyone to ask. I feel completely isolated.

Even when hubby is home from work, he is preoccupied with one home improvement project or another. And perish the thought of going out and doing something as a family. He is always afraid the kids are going to fuss if we go out. They are 6 1/2 months old…if they fuss, they fuss. People do expect babies to cry from time to time.

I even feel guilty sitting here and blogging because there are literally a million other things that I should be doing.

I never once thought like this when we were still TTC. I just knew that I wanted a baby more than anything. Now, here I am. Twins. Exhausted. Isolated. Lonely. Frustrated.

I have nothing to complain about. There are millions of women out there who would love to have my problems and who can’t. I should just count my blessings, right?